Dark Polish Makes for Radiance

V.J.’s Weekly Challenge #41: polish

We are meant to shine, and that pain that she’s endured – that all of us endure at some point – that is just polish.

From V.J.:  This week, let’s focus on the elements of our lives that have helped us shine. Not feeling very shiny? Then tell me (or show me) what kind of polish you need to get you there. I’ve got to believe it’s never too late.

I was very late learning that the less than wonderful aspects of my life were beneficial polish…but now that I’ve “got it”, you can bet I’m grateful.

In previous posts I’ve written about what has scarred me, so I’ll try for brevity in this one.  My mother never concealed the fact that, for whatever reason, she didn’t love—or even like—me.  Since I was the oldest, and easily bent to their will, my parents made me their Cinderella.  It was not a happy childhood, not really a childhood at all.

School was a nightmare…I didn’t have friends; teachers got away with what we now consider bullying; and although intelligent, I wasn’t a good student…because my stress level impacted ability to concentrate and learn.  This began in elementary school, and continued through high school and college.

I didn’t have normal sibling relationships—cast in the roll of third parent, I felt excluded from their world, alienated.

After dropping out of college, I married the first guy I dated.  Bad choice—he was a perfect combo of my parents–so I leaped from the fire into the frying pan.  I lasted three years, hoping the abusive misery would mellow, before I bailed and divorced him.

My work experiences were like school—stress of high-expectations, and I didn’t fit in well with coworkers.  As I quit job after job, collecting welfare in between, it was becoming more obvious that I had mental illness.  The “helping professions” and associated agencies added detrimental experiences…and increased my feeling of being marginalized.

I wanted to believe God loved and cared for me…and I pursued my faith-walk in various churches.  Often, I found that Christians were more adept at wounding people than those with no interest in God.

But in the last seven years, I’ve gained so much—mostly the certainty that God has not been absent, or ignored my suffering.  He’s been faithful to bring me through the tough times.  I’ve learned that dark seasons reap incredible harvests…wisdom, increased contentment and confidence, joy, hope, and an unbreakable faith in God. 

Partnered with Him, I now see that I have something to offer the world—talent, gifts, generosity, caring.  My perspective has changed, having learned to search for and mine the gold buried in the darkness.  And I’m sincerely thankful…even for all the bleak.

I don’t feel particularly “shiny” everyday…but I’ve discovered my mirror is a liar.  God says I’m beautiful, His beloved daughter—and that I’m being transformed by His Holy Spirit, “from glory to glory, as I behold Him”.  Essentially, that means He uses the hard times as polishing agent…applied with His soft cloth of grace-love.  By the time I’m finished on Earth, I’ll be so bright you’ll need shades to look at me 🙂

©Ennle Madresan, 2019 ~ All rights reserved.

Image: Pixabay.com

26 thoughts on “Dark Polish Makes for Radiance

  1. Reading this makes me think that not all of us come out “polished”, so there has to be an internal ingredient that resists the grit and maintains the structure of the individual. You are an example of this, as I believe, am I. Your faith has helped immensely, yes, but there is also an inner resourcefulness that got you through. Reading your work, I already feel like I have to wear sunglasses, you shine so brightly.

    Like

    • Oh my gosh….you’ve totally made my day, dear friend ❤ I understand what you're saying about an inner resourcefulness–however, I'm convinced it's something God seeded and nurtured in me–and it was a very slow-growing plant. Because I felt truly helpless and hopeless for decades…I went to tons of counselors, read a million books, and I just couldn't find or create that inner strength. It was horrible–I felt like such a failure on top of everything else. But I had an amazing epiphany almost exactly at this time, 8 yrs ago–and that's when things started popping and gelling. That's why I love Easter now–as it occurred during Easter week–and prior to 2011 I couldn't enjoy Easter. But I'm grateful that whatever "it" was, it feels concrete–even going through a depression last year, and just coming out of it in the past month, I knew I would make it…even if I had to drag myself through every day of the dark desert. Anyway, I'm rambling now–and I didn't go to bed last night, so I seriously need a nap. I really truly appreciate you, V.J.–and the posts and prompts you offer, as they seem to be a fabulous therapeutic tool to continue the healing process. When I read the prompts, sometimes my first reaction is–"no, I don't want to go there, I'll skip it this time"–but then when I just relax and let things fall out onto the screen, it really is good. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Radiance indeed. That old, and oft quoted even trite saying, “what doesn’t kill us …” however you have indeed radiated courage and perseverance. Thank you for sharing so transparently and openly. (We could almost be twins)

    Like

  3. I am donning my shades. Your ability to articulate so well the struggles you have and continue to overcome, I believe, are a balm for others who see themselves in your words. I for one believe you shine brilliantly.

    Like

    • Ohhhh, my goodness–thank you SO MUCH, you’ve made my day Special!! ❤ ❤ ❤ I had to get pretty "old" before I learned that nothing in our life is wasted, if we ask God how to use it. We often think we should share only the "good" things–but we bring the world closer together when we show courage to share even the not-so-good things, and allow Him to offer healing to others. May He bless you abundantly today, and in the week to come ❤

      I hope you'll be joining one or more of the BIG challenges in April–A to Z, Na/GloPoWriMo–because your writing is so beautiful!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you Ennle. It is interesting how we have to grow old before we realize so much of what we would have benefitted from in our youth. But I suppose that is some of what life is all about.

        I’m considering one of the challenges, but not sure I can commit to contributing daily!

        Like

  4. Pingback: It’s All Perspective, Really – One Woman's Quest II

  5. Your story touched my heart, Ennle. Having described such a difficult journey through your earlier years and coming out shining is definitely radiating hope for others who are still “learning to search for and mine the gold buried in the darkness.” May you continue to be blesssed by the Divine spirit.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.